Words are my livelihood. So imagine how ashamed I am to admit this: My plants can’t read.
Their tags are quite specific about what soil they like, how tall and wide they’re to grow, how much cold and sun they tolerate — all the essentials. They simply don’t comprehend.
- When I leave the recommended space between them, they stay their original size forever (or die). (This tricolor sage was supposed to be a pretty 24″-32″ accent in front of the fence. It’s still 6″ tall, same as the day I planted it, 6 weeks ago.)
- When I crowd things, desperate to replace brown mulch with green leaves, the results are never quite as expected. (This hosta was supposed to grow to nestle in a lovely bed of sweet woodruff. The woodruff is winning.)
- Frick and Frack the hydrangea brothers have stayed the same size (about 18”) for 2 years. No blooms.
- Note how the hunk of hosta I got from my neighbor 2 months ago is already gaining on Frack.
- When I plan a bed around “dwarf” shrubs that are supposed to stay a tidy size, they grow like mad, leaving the poor saps behind them yelling, “Hey, down in front!” (This variegated dwarf (3’x3′) weigela planted a year and a half ago is now easily 5′ tall and growing.)
- When I plant 2 whole flats of ground cover (spaced according to their preferences), two years later I get 2 whole flats of ground cover (spaced according to their preferences). (This pachysandra is a little taller, at least.)
- When I purposely plant “vigorous growers” or even (gasp) “invasives” out of the sheer desperation of seeing plants instead of mulch or dirt, I get nominal spreading at best, 3 years later. (The dreaded Bishop’s Weed — playing nicely with the daylilies in a lousy spot.)
- Unless of course, someone else plants the invasive (probably unknowingly). Then it grows EVERYWHERE, in sun or shade, in cracks in the asphalt, wherever. (Lemon balm growing out of rubble.)
- Oh, and there’s Godzilla the azalea (who came with the house). I’ve never grown one of these beyond 3 or 4 feet, and never in full sun. This one is easily 5′ tall, 8′ wide, and 4′ deep — and it’s hanging over most of the end of the deck, blocking the view of the yard and wasting precious deck space. But we can’t seem to justify digging out a healthy shrub that blooms its heart out every spring (though not my favorite color). Nor do we have another spot for this behemoth, assuming it could survive a move. But still, I could plant 10 perennials in this prime sunny spot — one of the few in our mostly shady back yard. (Opinions? Should we yank it?)
So, I’m thinking of starting a little remedial reading program for the green team. They only have to learn to read a few lines on a small tag. We’ll start with the basics…”b is for bloom”…”f is for foliage”…”g is for grow-already” (though not, evidently, “green thumb”).
I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.
~ Winston Churchill
Writing by Ear 