Proof I didn’t need

We recently lost a friend to cancer (or as I like to call it, f***ing cancer) — my fourth such loss in less than a year. She had battled strongly for 7 years, accomplishing so much in that time and never letting repeated surgeries and treatments get the better of her. I admired her tremendously. I liked her even more.

At her lovely and moving memorial service, her son spoke first, telling of his mother’s giving him a book that gave her great comfort and explaining her wish that he read it and share it with everyone at the service so they would understand that she was ready to go and at peace. He explained that butterflies played a role in the book, which was why we were each given a white silk butterfly at the service, but that his mother, a voracious and passionate reader, would want us to read the book for ourselves, so he wouldn’t say more. He went on to read a touching poem from the book, as his mother had requested.

Of course, I bought the book: Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife.

I have never doubted heaven; never needed proof. Yet still, the book was comforting. The author’s premise was that he — as a man of science, a brain expert no less, a man who had heard (and largely dismissed) his patients’ accounts of near death experiences, attributing them to some random brain activity or another (as you’ve undoubtedly heard, too), a man who had experienced the most unlikely deadly illness and even more unlikely recovery — was in the perfect position to serve as irrefutable proof that heaven exists.

It’s pretty darn convincing.

Even so, and even though I don’t doubt heaven, I was struck by how much of what he recounted parallels what religions teach us. There were loved ones, there seemed to be beings at different levels, there were angels, there was incredible overwhelming peace and love, there was God.

The skeptic in me couldn’t help but wonder if maybe those preconceptions influenced what he experienced?

The believer in me answered that maybe that’s simply exactly how it is.

Whatever heaven turns out to be, my favorite part of the book…the part that made me cry when I read it…was the message he received loud and clear on his journey, though no words were spoken:

You are loved and cherished, dearly, forever.

You have nothing to fear.

There is nothing you can do wrong. 

What more could we ask of heaven? What could represent heaven better than that?

That that was the message relayed to him — out of every possible message he could have received — is really all the proof I would need, if in fact I needed any proof at all.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Totally unrelated, yet perfectly related, I heard today about another friend who has battled cancer for many years and faces it with amazing resiliency and courage. I wasn’t aware that her cancer had returned at some point, and that it was quite serious, and that she had had complex surgery in December. But I learned, via her post on Facebook, that her latest scans had shown amazing success, and in turn found a link she’d posted  to the blog she’s been keeping for a few months, since right before the surgery. It’s full of her hopes, her fears, and her unwavering faith and sheer belief that God is with her on this journey.

In one of her posts, she talks about a book that others had recommended to her for years, but that she had only just gotten around to reading.

No, not Proof of Heaven, but another book so very, very close: Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back.

Of course I bought it. It’s more proof I don’t need, but I’m sure will be so so comforting just the same.

Be like the bird that, passing on her flight awhile
on boughs too slight, 
feels them give way beneath her,
and yet sings, knowing that she has wings.
~ Victor Hugo

Phat Tuesday

Just being phunny…in a hopelessly outdated “hep” kind of way. But it’s true this is the day for indulgence before austerity, which I am marking appropriately — potato chips, chocolate, mac & cheese, cookies, and now that I think about it, time for wine! I thought about making something rich and chocolately for two, given that Valentine’s Day is on Thursday and by then I won’t be eating sweets, but…laziness prevailed. Sorry, honey. (I guess we could still buy something and you could eat it in front of me — that would be good for my willpower/martyr complex. Come to think of it, I could still MAKE something and be an even bigger martyr…)

Brah la la how the life goes on…

Just like winter — on and on. I did notice some daffies popping up (miracle alert!), so that’s something to offset the fact that the expensive deck furniture cover we scored on clearance last year tore in the wind and then totally disintegrated, leaving everything exposed. Oh, and something’s wrong with the garage door, so now it won’t open. And after waiting months for the flooring contractor to work on the sunroom, he finally gave us an estimate that is totally out of line, so we’re now back to square one, looking for another estimate (did I mention it’s been MONTHS)? And we have stuff torn up in anticipation of getting some plaster repair done, but that can’t happen until some electrical gets rerouted. And that can’t happen because Mike is working 12- or 14-hour days and pretty much 6 days a week. And we decided to refinance our mortgage again, so there’s that extra expense every month with the goal that in just 10 short years, all of this (hands up, twirling) will be ours! (Supposedly the refi will save us $11K over those 10 years, but frankly, we can’t do the math, so I’m skeptical.) Sometimes with all the financial decisions and everything else you have to take care of day to day, the relentless tasks and obligations, I’m reduced to “Just tell us where to make our X.”

And so, Lent begins. Six long weeks on the journey to redemption. And spring. And maybe some new plaster.

Phat Tuesday

Saints are sinners who kept on going.
~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Would you forget?


I heard part of an interesting story on NPR the other day featuring a (very funny) scientist who was studying memory. As she recounted her research — dealing particularly with painful memories — she used the example of her father, a Holocaust survivor. He refuses to talk about, or even acknowledge, his experiences, and she wonders if he has literally forgotten the memory. Or something like that. I, of course, was in the car, came into the story late, and missed the ending. Frustratingly, I can’t find it online to read or listen to it fully.

But still, it got me thinking. If I could forget a painful memory, would I? It made me think about what memories I have that I consider painful, and it made me feel fortunate that not a lot comes to mind. What I did think about was my mom’s death, still a raw wound, and would I choose to forget the pain of that if I could?

Somehow, I don’t think so, as I think to forget would somehow dishonor the experience and, by default, her.

But some other painful experience, perhaps less personal? Maybe. Something I saw that haunted me (in looking for the story I heard online, I skimmed this article that led with that idea); a memory of embarrassment; an annoying person or experience perhaps?

I don’t know. Maybe my reticence has something to do with the “that which does not kill us makes us stronger” philosphy. Or the idea of owning your life, warts and all.

But still. What about forgetting a memory of failure? Maybe if you can forget falling off the horse…or the wagon…or the relationship…you would lose the fear that holds you back and keeps you from trying again. Or does that simply mean you wouldn’t learn from your mistakes? Is memory a gift? Or a curse?

Maybe someday we’ll have that choice to make. To remember or to forget. I’m glad I don’t have to decide right now.

memory

One need not be a chamber to be haunted;
One need not be a house;
The brain has corridors surpassing
Material place.
~ Emily Dickinson, “Time and Eternity”

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