Writing by Ear

Oooooh, a new catalog (actually the same catalog we received a month ago with a different cover). Ooooooh, catalogs make me salivate (no bell needed, just pretty pictures). Oooooh, garden goodies. Oooooh, buddha sculptures — how cute…$109 each?…not cute enough. Oooooh, bamboo arm chairs. Ooooooh, cedar birdhouses on a stake. Ooooooh, a fleur de lis flatware caddy — perfect for the buffet line.

Buffet line?

Who am I kidding? Of the approximately 847 items in this catalog perfect for “entertaining,” I need exactly none of them. The sad truth is, we do not “entertain.” Well, to be accurate, we “entertain” exactly two dear friends semi-regularly. Happy hour with hors d’oeuvres and champagne. A fancy meal. Dessert. Aperitifs. The whole nine yards (except when we say “screw it” and just have champagne and pizza).

Well, we tried to have a party in January, very impromptu, very exciting. But then a lot of people couldn’t come, and I got deathly ill, and we cancelled (“postponed”) the whole thing. So that almost counts, right?

Otherwise, we are social misfits. The fact that I drool over Mandolay Casseroles with Rattan Baskets and Bali Green Glass Tumblers and the Caffe Italia Dessert Collection (otherwise known as $95 for 4 plates, cups, and saucers) belies the fact that these items are more than overkill when “dining” means eating one-handed from a plate held in the other hand while sitting on the couch in front of the TV night after night.

Oh, I know for a fact that other people do “entertain.” Ninety-nine percent of the HGTV shows I watch involve people wanting to buy, sell, (re)build, (re)design, or (re)configure to better accommodate “entertaining.” It’s no secret that the rest of the world is way more popular than I am — this became evident in grade school and ±35 years haven’t proven it wrong.

I could try to blame it on permanent fixer-upperhood, but that would be a lie. Even when I lived in new homes, “entertaining” occasions were few and far between. And it’s not that I don’t want to “entertain” or don’t know how to “entertain” — in my head I throw great parties with scrumptious food and drink and lots of people milling about laughing and having a good time. (Hey, I work alone, the mind wanders.) And it’s not that I don’t love to go to good party — and admire their good hosts and hostesses — I just don’t seem to have the circle of acquaintances to pull it off.

Or maybe it’s all just excuses. Social angst masquerading as laziness.

No matter — I have plenty of HGTV entertainers to live vicariously through (I couldn’t bring myself to write “through whom to live vicariously”) and plenty of catalogs to keep me entertained. It all goes to prove my favorite movie line ever…

I don’t have the life I keep shopping for.
         ~ from a movie I can’t remember