Forget me not…unless

I haven’t posted in a long time. Haven’t had the motivation, or the inspiration, to write, and that’s OK. Life stuff goes on — work, house, garden. Repeat. Weeks go slow; weekends fly by. There’s never enough time to do what we need to do, let alone what we want to do.

We have, however, made some exciting (for us) progress in the last few months, including completing our 3-year sunroom project and redoing the last (worst) bedroom to turn it into an office for Mike and an occasional guestroom. They’re both great transformations and useful spaces — I’ll post pictures one of these days. Of course, lots of other projects are still ongoing, and it truly does get old. We marked 8 years in the house in May — 8 years at hard labor is a long time, and while I can see light at the end of the tunnel, it’s still frustratingly small.

But this isn’t about that. What’s bothering me lately is my inability to focus on work the way I used to. I’ve made some mistakes the past few days on a particular project, and it’s just not like me. Catching inconsistencies, keeping track of a lot of details, grasping the problem and running with the solution — that’s pretty much what I do or, at least, what I’ve always done. So failing at that is both embarrassing and worrisome. I know I’m not enthused about work these days (is it retirement day yet?), but I should still be able to do the work.

Today it hit me that maybe I can blame the lack of concentration and general ennui on middle-age brain or collapsing hormones or, God forbid, the coming of “the change.”

As depressing at that thought is, at least it’s a temporary thing. A transition to get through, instead of the new normal. Your mind and body do eventually stabilize, right?

Or is this the beginning of the end, signalling that I’m losing my ability to do good work? That the last 25+ years was a good run, but it’s all downhill from here (and not in a good way — funny how “all downhill from here” can be positive or negative, depending on the context). That other people will now be gently correcting my mistakes, rather than the other way around. That the next 20 years of my work might just be a little shoddy.

Ouch. (Or as we say in the ’Burgh, “ahch.”)

I accepted it when my brain wasn’t as johnny-on-the-spot as it used to be. When I couldn’t answer the Jeopardy questions fast enough (or at all). When the right word didn’t leap onto the page, but had to be pulled from the depths after some painful mental gyrations or roundabout online searches. But this I don’t want to accept. Being good at my job has always been an essential part of who I am. I’m not ready for it to be who I was — not ready to say good-bye to me. 

Unless that lottery thing comes through, of course. Then it’s bye-bye Ms. Anal-Retentive-Writer-Editor-Proofreader and hello Ms. Woman-Who-Hires-People-To-Finish-Her-House. Maybe the key is just finding something else to be good at?

whoIam

Take your work seriously, but never yourself.
~ Margot Fonteyn

Friday wine and whine?

I emailed my husband around 3:30 today to whine that both calls I had built my day around had to be rescheduled (but only after I had dialed in) and I was still in my pajamas and I needed a drink.

I’m sure he loves getting mail like that.

But oh how I needed a drink — it’s been a week. (And by that I mean a bear of a week, not a week since I’ve had a drink — although it’s been nearly that, too). Two (bearish) weeks actually. My brain is full and randomly deleting things it shouldn’t. I’m stressed over something I have to write that I don’t understand. I’m tired of writing things just to give someone else something to rewrite from. I’m itching to do something creative, and reduced to scratching out drivel that pays the bills.

A little later, energized and brilliant after an iced coffee, I had visions of starting a regular Friday wine and whine.

Fun for me, but not so much for you. I don’t really need to whine online any more than I already do. And I certainly don’t need a designated day to do it. And if I was going to pick a day to whine, it probably wouldn’t be a Friday.

But a Friday wine post? Very doable.

Here’s the first. In the big glass — the one that normally just pretties up the china cupboard. And here’s to many more to come — (posts? glasses? not sure yet) with or without a side of whine.

wine friday #1

I like on the table, 
when we’re speaking,
the light of a bottle
of intelligent wine.
~ Pablo Neruda

Pondering tolerance

Forgive me if I fail, but I’m going to try to make this post more thoughtful and less…rantful. It’s a subject that’s bothered me for several years now that has reared up again with the election of the new Pope.

Why is it OK to bash Christians (especially Catholics) when the same people doing it would never dream of criticizing other religions? They’d never Buddhist bash, or Muslim bash, or Jewish bash, or Zoroastrian bash, but gosh aren’t those Christians/Catholics ridiculous with their hopelessly outdated stance on X or Y or their preaching about this or that or their refusal to allow so-and-so to do such-and-such or their horrible history of (some heinous thing). Oh, and what about those funny clothes and silly rituals? They believe what? They do what? Oh no way! People who buy into that must be crazy or idiots or both.

I’m certainly not here to say Christians/Catholics have done/can do no wrong, or that I agree with all the Church’s teachings. I’m as appalled as anyone by the child sex abuse scandal and cover-up. My point is that I don’t understand when — and why — it became acceptable, cool even, to openly criticize, denigrate, and yes, downright hate Christians when it’s so completely unacceptable to do so toward other religions?

The first time this struck me full force was several years ago, when I attended a performance of The Vagina Monologues, not really knowing what it was about, but thinking it had to be cool, hip, funny, women-friendly. Right? Instead, I found it so offensive in its Catholic/Christian bashing (especially given its very unfortunate timing right before Easter, during Holy Week) that I desperately wanted to walk out, and to this day am sorry I didn’t. I just sat there in my seat, thinking, “No WAY would those performers be up there making fun of other religions as they are Christians/Catholics. And no way would the audience be there laughing along if the show dared  to be so ‘politically incorrect’ toward what seem to be ‘protected’ religions and followers.” Who would (dare to) laugh at a Muslim or a Jew being maligned? I sat there fuming, and feeling sick. And I’m not even a regular church-goer or religious in the traditional sense, although I do have a strong faith and strong beliefs and, I hope, a strong sense of right and wrong.

Since then, I’ve observed this phenomenon many other times, in social media and mainstream media. I am so often told to be tolerant of others’ beliefs and not to label all with the same broad brushstroke. I’m expected to respect what are *obviously* honorable religions, around for thousands of years for goodness’ sake. I’d be labeled the worst kind of ignorant bigot if I dared to criticize “what I don’t understand.”  Just be tolerant, says Hollywood, politicians, academics, journalists — you know, *enlightened* people. (Actually, Jesus said it, too, but again, he has that Christian/Catholic thing going on, so….)

The hypocrisy is so blatant. I truly don’t understand why the offenders aren’t called out for it? Why it isn’t as unacceptable as, say, bullying or telling racial or ethnic jokes?

As a Christian, I am supposed to turn the other cheek, and really, what else can I do, except maybe question the hypocrisy, as I am trying to do here. I think I’m supposed to pray for the people doing it, so yes, I can do that. And I can pray for my own understanding, and my own tolerance. But I’d really like it if anyone out there can give me any insights on what I’m missing or don’t understand. I’m trying to view the situation objectively, though because I have strong feelings and an obvious opinion about it, maybe I’m completely missing the boat?

Let us always pray for one another. Let us pray for the whole
world that there might be a great sense of brotherhood.
~ Pope Francis I

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